WEEK Two
Drabble:
He’s tired when she first does it. His eyes are drooping.
“Hey.” A can of coffee is nudged into his vision.
“Thank you,” he says automatically, and takes it.
He’s distracted the second time she does it. Far too much work.
“Yo,” comes the call before he’s handed the can of coffee.
“Thank you,” he says absently, and returns to work.
He stares at her nervous smile come the third time.
The coffee is warm.
“Thank you,” he says quietly, but there’s a fond smile accompanying his words.
The smile he receives in turn makes his heart skip a beat.
Reflection:
Flow of narrative/does it make sense?
This drabble does make sense. It’s basically set in a three act structure where the first two establish that he’s not paying attention to her actions before the last show that he’s finally responding. However, the first two sections follow the same formula of him being offered a coffee before carrying on without further acknowledgement. For example, the ‘thank you’s in those sections are respectively ‘automatic’ and ‘absent’ suggesting a lack of emotive response. While the last one is ‘quietly’, it still carries the idea of a shy interaction and is followed by affection for her actions, and indicates a change to the last two encounters.
Visual/emotional impact:
The visual impact in this drabble is very plain and simple, merely listing actions one after the other. One can get a very clear image of him being handed a coffee in all three sections but in the last section he notices a smile of hers and gives her one in return. The emotional impact is a little lacklustre, in my opinion. It’s very simplistic in the way that she gives him coffee three times and he finally notices her. There’s not much in the way of rooting for a particular character which can be slightly impossible given the word count but I did hope to give a sense of completion by the end since I presented a lack of acknowledgement (the ‘problem’) to a gesture towards it. I believe that’s achieved but not as strongly as I want it to be.
Was the original intent conveyed/changed in any way?
I wanted to illustrate a situation where a relationship changes over time within the word count. I wanted those changes to have a significant impact (whether or not it became abstract) and for each part to have meaning. The first and last sections of this drabble does convey this but the middle section feels like a repetition of the first section so I think it isn’t necessarily needed.
What was easy?
Writing plainly and in a straightforward fashion is something I prefer doing when I want to go through interactions. I tend to reserve run-on observations of volatile emotions for more dramatic moments. That’s what influenced the overall emotional impact of this piece and why it comes through in smaller, less obvious parts than the previous week’s drabble.
What was hard?
Coming up with the idea in the first place really threw me for a while and then when I did think of an idea, I had to think of a way to minimise it into one hundred words. I think it’s because with such a small amount of wiggle room it’s incredibly hard to come up with such an expansive idea in the first place, especially when I want it to have some sort of visual/emotional impact.
What changes do I want to make on the second draft based on the criteria set for myself?
As I mentioned above, the first two sections are very similar so it would be best to cut out one of them and put in something else to add to the small story happening to enhance the emotional and/or visual impact. I won’t focus on the same idea considering it was slightly hard to write in the first place, but instead I’ll find another concept that I can similarly use the three act structure on and write it based on the learnings here.